Lament of Big Bob

The Lament of Big Bill

Adam didn’t talk to Big Bill. He’d seen him around AA meetings, but he was always very quiet and didn’t seem much like the talking type. Big Bill spent 25- years in prison for murder. He was always a husky man, but prison had made him bigger. In prison there is not much more to do but workout and eat. So when Big Bill got out he was 250 pounds of hard muscle and stood about 6’7”. He was maybe 50, balding, very blond hair, so blond that his eye lids were blond. Bad pick tattoos scratched all over his arms and neck, some of them with racial overtones. His fore-arms were like tree trunks.

He never spoke in meetings. Adam was sitting directly in front of him and almost jumped when he piped up.

“My names Bill I’m alcoholic. Well some of you know my kids tried to hold up a bank a few days back, and now they are all in jail, ever’ one of em. So I guess I got nothing. My parents are dead. I didn’t even get to go to my mom’s funeral and she was the only one loved me. I’m livin’ in that van out there and I guess I should be happy to have someplace to sleep. They cut me loose and I just don’t know where to go. You all don’t know what I been through. I’m 50 years old and I been in prison since I was 25. I went in a young kid and now here I am an old man with nothing. Sometimes I wisht’ they woulda’ just given me the chair. I don’t like the man I am. I never knew how to live. No one ever showed me how to live. My old man used to beat on me since I could remember so I left at 15. A man does some things he knows ant right with when he’s starving. I did some bad things out there, and I guess I did some bad thing inside too. I don’t like who I am. I don’t like being full of hate. I don’t like being prejudice, I don’t like hating myself. I don’t like being Bill. What can I do? Sometime I just think I otta go stick someplace up. Worst thing is they kill me and that don’t seem so bad from were I’m sittin. Or they send me back down. I know how to live locked up, I don’t know how to live with you people. I can’t hardly look some of you in the eyes. And I wanta’ drink. Oh lord how I wanta’ drink, but when I do I’m libal to turn into a monster and I'm so tired of being that kinda man. That’s all I got.”


The crowd was completely silent. A very good looking black lady sat next to him and put her hand on his. When I turned around they were looking at each-other like they were seeing each other for the first time. It looked to Adam as though Bill would cry.